Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Randomize
