But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
