You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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