Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
