I swear she didn't look like that last week.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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