**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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