quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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