Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
