Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Randomize
