When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
