I think my vagina is haunted
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the day after is always just damage control
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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