I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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