Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
