Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I touched a dick in church today
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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