i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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