Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
