totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
