i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
