dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
