His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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