you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
How does one acquire holy water?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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