I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
