she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
