I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
