any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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