He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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