I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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