Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
