Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
