I'm so fucking centered right now
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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