I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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