She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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