I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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