i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
