I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's shark week go big or go home
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
