no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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