Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
