Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
