Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
