I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
