Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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