Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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