I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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