i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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