Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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