i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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