Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
