we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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