Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
