if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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