I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
