Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
