I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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