I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
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