i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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