I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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