I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
